


Losing My Mind (Something Wrong With Me)

by 1Temmie_Official1



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Author has issues, Azula Needs Therapy (Avatar), Azula Needs a Hug (Avatar), Burns, Dreams and Nightmares, Gen, I'm writing fanfic instead of getting therapy, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Intrusive Thoughts, Knives, Mental Health Issues, Sad Ending, Self-Hatred, Spiders, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence, Violent Thoughts, You Have Been Warned, azula 🤝 me: needing therapy, ish, trauma related memory loss, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:08:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29834397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1Temmie_Official1/pseuds/1Temmie_Official1
Summary: Azula (kind of) deals with her intrusive thoughts.(Read the notes and tags. Seriously.)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	Losing My Mind (Something Wrong With Me)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey actually read all the tags. Seriously.
> 
> Also, Azula murders Zuko in a dream so if that bothers you do not read this.

Azula didn't know when it started, but once she did she realized that it had been there all her life.

Every time she lit a flame _what if you burned yourself?_

She ignored it. It was normal.

Every time she saw one of Mei's knives _stab it through your hand. Stab someone_

Every time she looked over her balcony's ledge. _what if you jumped off? what would they say?_

She ignored it. This was normal.

She walked through her daily life like it was the waters of the ocean. She remembered swimming. Everyone did. This time it wasn't the clear blue waters of Ember Island. It was the ocean that surrounded the Fire Nation. It had been full of ash from the passing ships, though that was mainly at the bottoms. It wasn't churned up very often. It was dark and murky, full of things that Azula would rather not think about. She had swum there once. The water was so full that she couldn't see her hand out in front of her. It felt disgusting on her eyes, her skin, her hair.

She swam on.

She had swum out too far, and when the waves washed over her she swallowed a mouthful. Disgusting. She hated the ocean.

But that was what her mind felt like. Unbearably cold and empty, yet so full of unknown things that she could barely navigate it. She moved through it, it was full of sound. Should her mind have been empty, which occasionally it was, those were the days it felt worse. Some days it just felt like her own thoughts echoing through the sound chambers of her mind.

It was... difficult to explain.

Her mind isn't full of other things, all the things there are her own. They weigh heavily on her shoulders in her day-to-day life. Other days it's hard to tell the difference between the lightness in her head and the lightness around her. Some days her head feels murky like the ocean. Others feel like a blank slate.

If Azula really had to explain it, it was like she was in the chamber that sat behind the war room. It was meant to hold the Fire Lord before they walked out. There were chairs, a single mirror, a window, some scrolls. It was like she had gone from the war room back into the waiting chamber, waiting to be called back in. But the doors are locked, and when she looks out the window, it is empty blackness. She knows that there is so much more that she has access to, and even more so that she doesn't, but all that she has are the chairs and scrolls of the waiting room.

She knows that there are horrors in the war room of her mind, she dreads to know what's in the palace.

She hides it all very well.

She decides that her mind must be like her absent mother. When her mind was there, it was cruel. When her mind wasn't, Azula had no purpose.

That is until the incident.

It had been okay. Azula considered herself an okay person, she was getting better if this was what getting better was. It was one of those empty days where the only thing keeping her there was her boredom.

It came to her in a dream, if it could even be called a dream.

It had started out normally. She couldn't remember the beginning of the dream, but that was true with all dreams.

She had a knife in her hand. She doesn't remember what she was saying then. It started out with her crushing large spiders. They weren't giant, but they weren't like the small ones that populated the castle. Some had stripes. Some had wings. They were all throughout her room. There weren't many.

She hopes that she crushed them all.

Suddenly, Zuko was there. She doesn't know what happened.

The thing that sickened her was that it wasn't a nightmare. She felt _good_.

She stabbed him. She twisted the knife.

She did it multiple times.

She woke up just like she did normally.

She looked at her hands.

Oh.

Immediately, a wave of self-hatred washed over her. How could she even dream that? How could she even think that in the first place? It was so disgustingly wrong that she could think of murdering her own brother.

And she reviewed it. It felt _good_.

How could she? How could Azula do something so fucking wrong even in her dreams? She was a danger. She couldn't do that.

Azula went through her day as normal, but her mind was plagued with the dream. In trying to ignore it, she thought about it more and more.

She kept looking at her hands. It kept replaying and replaying. She kept wondering and wondering. What was wrong with her, she was fucking wrong and horrible. She deserved to rot. She deserved to burn. This was her brother. Zuko. Her brother. How dare she.

She could barely look at him.

The only thing that kept her from falling deeper into her spiral was the fact that if she hated herself for thinking it, then maybe she wasn't a bad person. Maybe. But the fact that it had been thought in the first place almost negated that.

She looked at her hands. She hated herself.

She realized that she had offhandedly thought of such things before, but never in such vivid detail. Something was wrong with her. She was going to lose everyone if someone heard that she even thought of such a thing.

So Azula kept quiet.

Maybe she would forget this just like everything else.

Azula didn't think about Mei. Mei had knives and knives were in her dream and she killed Zuko with a knife she was horrible.

Azula didn't think about Father. Father burned Zuko and she dreamed she hurt and killed Zuko and she was disgusting and deserved to be punished and killed.

Azula didn't think about Mother. Mother loved Zuko and she would hate her if she thought about killing Zuko and she was going to be abandoned just like she feared.

Azula didn't think about politics. Zuko was the Fire Lord and if she killed him she would be hung or jailed or worse as she deserved.

Azula wished she could escape her stupid fucking mind because maybe then all her problems would be solved.

She was fine. This was fine.

Maybe she would forget about this like everyone forgot about her.

She looked at her hands.

Disgusting.

She was wrong, face unfamiliar in the mirror.

She didn't want to sleep tonight.

She slept anyway.

She didn't dream.

She woke up normally.

Azula looked in the mirror.

She found that she hated herself either way.

**Author's Note:**

> don't @ me if Azula is ooc
> 
> I'm writing this instead of getting therapy haaaa
> 
> Title from Dodie's Hate Myself.


End file.
